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It can happen sometimes that the person we are with is not the most appropriate, since, no matter how hard you try to make your relationship go well, the only thing you get from that person is pain and rejection. Maybe he or she does not feel the same way for you or they just stopped loving you a while ago. Whether it’s one thing or the other, the solution is the same: cut that toxic relationship as soon as possible.
Denial, justification and self-blame are the most common tactics people use when they are in a relationship with someone who hurts them. Needless to say, they are not anywhere near the most efficient for your emotional health. First we will define those common tactics:
Appears when we do the impossible by not seeing the problem in front of us. We ignore it, we normalize or minimize it. It expresses with constant lies towards oneself and with efforts to forcefully forget all the damage that person has done to us throughout the day. One of the clearest and most dramatic examples of the denial of the problem is the example of the battered woman who not only tries to convince others, but also does so to herself, that her bruises are the result of an accident, and not the jealousy or anger of her partner.
2. The justification:
It happens when, although we are aware that there is a problem, we try to downplay it by blaming it on the circumstances rather than on the person. If the person you love is constantly justifying the behaviors that hurt you, then it is because you are afraid to face the truth: it is not the circumstances, it is that person. For example, let’s imagine that someone is always apologizing for another person’s criticism, claiming that they had a very stressful day or because they care about their well-being. No matter how hard or out of place they may be. That is literally what you’re doing and deep inside, you know you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
3. Become your first priority.
You are your priority, and as much as you love another person, there comes a time when you must begin to fight for yourself. And yes, although you love him/her a lot, the other person refuses to fight for you, so you got to do it for yourself. You know in your heart that it is time to physically or emotionally withdraw them from your life.
4. Forgive yourself.
You may feel guilty and angry at yourself. And you may keep asking yourself how you allowed someone to treat you like they did for as long as they did. However, you have to understand that getting hurt can always be a consequence to becoming vulnerable to someone. And there is nothing wrong with that. Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It’s brave, it’s tender and it’s impossible to connect without it. You can never predict another person’s actions, and you may have given them many opportunities to treat you better and to change, but you were only trying to save the relationship. You remembered about the good times and those good memories were all you needed to keep holding on a little longer. And don’t ever forget that you are NOT a bad person for letting go. You are a human-being who deserves to be loved and appreciated.
In conclusion, turn the page, go ahead and remember that the benefits of letting go are not only to recover your tranquility and emotional stability, but also to recover yourself as a person. You deserve it, and you’re worth it! Little by little you will realize all the important things that you left aside and that now you can resume. Trust me! Just stay firm in your decision and keep going forward with great force! It won’t be long until you begin to enjoy the beautiful things in life again and feel fully recovered from that relationship.
I coach people going through break ups and divorces so if you want a free session to see what it is like don’t hesitate to contact me!
“One day the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving.”
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